Posted on by bezkikicz

Chci nějaký ten okamžik skutečně být. Být jen tím, že jsem a ne tím, že své bytí odbíjím činností, která mi rádoby bytí vdechne.

Při neustálém shonu, který se mne drží jako klíště, prahnu po volné chvilce. Chci přemýšlet sama nad sebou a také nad směrem mého života. Neplánovaně si pokládat filozofické otázky.

Rozmýšlet, jestli to má vůbec všechno smysl. Co všechno musím udělat a ani nevím pro co. Kolikrát jsem se dostala na dno a ještě mnohokrát dostanu. Kolikrát je potřeba se zle zamilovat, abych se poučila. Kolik lidí musím ztratit, než poznám, komu na mně opravdu záleží. Kolikrát musím zklamat, abych se změnila. Kolikrát musím být zklamána, abych už víckrát neuvěřila.

Nechci nikoho poslouchat ani být poslouchána. Nechci nikoho zpovídat ani dávat odpovědi. Jediné, co chci je mlčet. Pouze si povídat se svým vnitřním hlasem. Požádat ho o radu a o názor, když už jsme v tom všem spolu.

Nastává období, kdy jsou zloději denního světla v právu. Vykročením ze svého příbytku se propadáte do tmy a částečně ztrácíte identitu pod vlivem stínů dokreslujících rysy obličeje. V podrážce se rázem začnou tlačit štěrkové kamínky. Boty se vlečou po dlážděné cestě, která se třpytí pod povlakem listopadového deště. Procházím oranžovou září (chtěla bych napsat petrolejových lamp) pouličního osvětlení. Celé město je potřísněno tmou. Z ničeho se vynořují postavy bez výrazu, přičemž se jejich prázdné pohledy otírají o moji maličkost. Jen jedna osoba mne zaujala. Míjí mne pohledem a já si všimla slzy na její líci, kterou podtrhl měsíční šerosvit. Sama se stávám jedním ze stovek chodců. Křižuji městské uličky s pocitem úzkosti.

Někde v sobě cítím stesk po nezávislosti a nejistotě, po bohémském životě. Chci vypadnout ze systému. Toužím zklamat všechny, kteří ode mě něco očekávají. Vyhodit diář, mobilní telefon, počítač. Jen dělat, co se mi zlíbí, kdy se mi zamane. Už nikdy nechci být zelenou tečkou na Facebooku. Zbavit se všech obav, kterými je doprovázená má budoucnost (vysoká škola, pracovní pozice, hmotný majetek). Prvky, kterými se hodnotí naše životní úspěšnost. Je to jen existenční klišé. Nebere v úvahu naše pocity, spokojenost ani života radost. Zoufám nad dnešním člověčenstvím…

A takto jsem si volnomyšlenkářsky odžila svoji chvilku. Přišla jsem domů a s prozíravostí sobě vlastní se pustila do plnění všech domácích povinností. Ovšem s nadějí, že někdy najdu východ z tohoto navyklého způsobu života

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